"Anyone can say they are different. We prove it."

- Founder & Chairman

tour

And the award goes to Tai Lopez!

Scam artist, bullshit guru, get rich listening to me bastard and "affluent selfie" poster boy, takes the award for most awe inspiring bullshit, ladies and gentlemen. That's right, the self "made" YouTube guru takes his place among the likes of Perez " diva meltdown" Hilton and Justin " Little douche" Beiber and that Uber flip out girl/spoiled neurosurgeon, as the most audacious con artist of the year (possibly decade) for skillfully separating suckers from their money and simultaniously indemnifying himself against unethical business torts from his pissed off and royally shafted customers nationwide. The Golden Douchebag cannot be declined, assigned or discarded. Like Lopez's goofy face, it is permanent and binding. A big horay for this scumbag!

social media ad, series 1

Active ad, "Huh? Campaign" 2018


This is the main ad that runs on Facebook and Instagram. We dispelled with even trying to explain it. However, since we do receive critiques from some people with no sense of humor, we played right into it. I think Howard Stern said it best: "Lesbians equal ratings".

advocacy initiatives: You Decide & There's a site for that

Are powered by information in the public domain. Each company reviewed is responsible for it's own content. Lack of transparency is taken into account as well as each company's effort to advise consumers of their rights under CROA & FCRA guidelines, or lack thereof. The opinions are our own, and protected under U.S. Law where applicable. We reserve all rights to operate in compliance with the public trust in order to educate consumers and provide fair trade through the vehicle of opinion and public discourse.

 No scam artists and unethical operators were harmed by this, sadly.

"In life, there are some things you see that can't be unseen. We can attribute much to humor. It happens in this industry too. Only here we call it bullshit."

Founder & Chairman

In this section we will list the examples of things competitors do to make themselves look better.

Example #1 Corporate Bullshit

FICO Certification for Credit Repair Firms...

FICO (Fair Issac Corp) certification is all the rage for credit repair outfits nowadays. But what's the whole thing mean? To answer this question, we called FICO ourselves. Here is a blow by blow of what FICO means (in plain, non euphemistic English) who uses it and who doesn't.


Accountants, people who work at credit bureaus (TransUnion. Experian, Equifax) mortgage brokers and mortgage bankers, some real estate brokers, some regular bankers use FICO SAP.

How it goes down: One signs up and pays,  one takes an oath, one pays a fee, one passes a bullshit test and one is certified. Tada.


But whats that to do with credit repair? Absolutly nothing. Thats right folks, nothing at all. Its kind of like garnish on a plate, you dont need it or eat it, but its a nice touch for asthetic purposes (i.e. to look good). FICO scores are scores which are proprietary to the Fair Isaac Corp. Used exclusively to determine risk and for other analytical applications. Much the way TransUnion, Equifax and Experian jointly developed and own the Vantage score.


Certification by FICO means you are "certified by them" to know what "their score means" People who use FICO may have this certification but it isn't mandatory. A degree in accounting, finance, business, trade and/or ecconomics usually is. FICO cert is garnish, ok. Garnish.


Now, many people think they need to be FICO certified to run a credit repair or debt management firm, and this is simply not true. The law is pretty clear about what is and is not required, and the law does not require FICO certification. As a matter of fact, people who operate credit repair companies are usually weeded out by the fair issac Corp.

 Isaac may be fair, but they stipulate very clearly that those operating credit counseling and more specifically credit repairs are not to have certification.

Hmm odd.


Nevertheless, many firms boast this, much like they boast a Better Business Bureau rating. It means, precisely dick. What's the point of having any of these things and not having the CROA laws, FCRA guidelines or any advocacy for consumers? That is the only thing the law cares about anyway. Well, that and not breaking said laws. That's right. The law protects consumers, the CROA oversees companies that engage in credit repair. Both are mandatory.

 Example of Mandatory vs. Optional: lying to the wife about why you stayed out all night: optional. Telling the truth under oath: mandatory. See?


Anyway, that's the deal with FICO. Now, for a while there was a company selling, ahem, excuse me, bestowing, FICO certification. (Not FICO SAP, some other FICO). It was run through Fannie Mae. This company was called Allreg. But Allreg went the way of the dodo, and Fannie Mae stopped talking about it. The reason is this:

The exam and certification was bullshit.


It was self scored, which means the person taking the exam paid a course and took it at leisure and then scored themselves. They got a cool badge and little logo for their marketing. However, the bright minds at Fannie Mae eventually realized what a horrible fucking disaster this spells for consumers, since by it, many can be defrauded. Fannie Mae seeing the writing on the wall, stopped offering the course. Others picked up the sword. Today, these companies compete for market share hawking these useless certs in hopes of "legitimizing" these fine upstanding firms and proclaiming them fit for public consumption. Of course self tests are pointless, if they were effective doctors and lawyers could self test. Engineers could pass tests between bong hits. It would be a free for all. Fuck education, pay a few bucks and test yourself.


So that's FICO certification in a nutshell. It's for lenders almost exclusively and for bullshit artists who want to look good. Repairing errors on a file is a different matter, it doesn't require scoring. Scoring is based of many factors: payments, late payments, amount earned vs. amount owed, living arrangement, annual income, etc.


Many unethical credit repairs boast about raising scores, but this is ILLEGAL. Scores can't be "boosted", "promised" or "raised" by antyone other than the proprietary owner of the system. What people mean is that by removing debt and maintaining a good payment history, scores rise. Of course they get better, they won't get worse. But people on the bullshit use this to sucker in those who don't know anything. If you just read the laws yourself, you wouldn't need some dipshit without a juris doctorate to explain it to you.

Read the laws here damit. Or here. Or especially here.


So FICO is nice but not necessary. Kind of like charging someone $250 to $2,000 dollars upfront for a "file creation" before anything is done. Nice, but not mandatory. To use either to defraud consumers or trick them into believing something which benefits an individual, that is fucking illegal.

When in doubt ask. When all answers seem contrived, ask the CFPB, FTC or the Attorney General of your state. Remember, it's free to ask.




The following did not employ the use of gratuitous vulgarity, all our vulgarity is intrinsic to the article and wholly tuitous. Photo of Zack Galifianakis, credited to Vanity Fair, used for educational purposes only. Feel free to wash your eyes with lemon juice. I hear it helps.

social media ad, series 07

Random ad, 2017 series.


This one was scrubbed because we couldn't fit the company name inside it. Otherwise, we would have used it. Again, this one came to us by a client who owns boat rentals. Alas, the copy was mine and a bit too much for his clientele. It's still a good one, and in this city, relevant.

In this section we will list the examples of things competitors do to make themselves look better.

Example #2 Outlandish Claims


Standard operating procedure for... assholes


Truth is, Credit Repair is regulated. It's backed up by Federal laws and some really serious people. Still, outlandish claims are made daily, and customers, desperate for freedom, will jump at these claims. We don't make any outlandish claims ourselves, and decided maybe we should. Maybe we should make a claim so wild, everyone would get in on it. So we did...

"If we can't fix your credit, you can date our sister!"

That's Jenna Jameson to the left. Who doesn't remember her from such classic and timeless films such as: Howard Stern, Private Parts, Evil Breed and Zombie Strippers? If classic cinema isn't your thing, then maybe it's one of the dozens of porns she performed in. Yes folks, we are so confident we can do it, that if we can't, you can do her!

That right there is a perfect example of an outlandish claim. Pay attention folks, this is advertising 101

Outlandish can also be interpreted as unreasonable or unatainable. When she wasn't an entrepreneur and was escorting, maybe, maybe it could have been achieved. But now, no fucking way. Besides, we don't have a sister, we are a company. Our founder has a sister, but this ain't her. This illustrates the point well. If an outlandish claim is going to be made let it be genuinely funny. Our competitors claim many things but few are backed up. And that's because they really can't make those wild claims in the first place. We aren't wizards. We can't just make things happen. It's like Jenna up there. Sure she looks good, but the chances of that happening are slim to none. We don't know her (seen her naked, yes. Plenty. But we don't know her).

Outlandish claims are really frowned upon by the FTC and Attorney General's. Not to mention it is punishable by arrest, prosecution and fines. So instead of jenna, our wild claim would look more like this:

"If we can't fix your credit, you can date our sister!"

This is, let's call her "Bruna", and she's all woman, let me tell ya'. She enjoys sequined dresses, long cigarettes and beehive hairdos. A classic woman and not your average "broad", Bruna, is quite the fetching catch.

See the difference? One can be deemed outlandish and the other can be deemed fanciful. Who in their right mind would take the above claim seriously? Even if it was a serious claim, who'd want to partake? I'm writing this and I'm queasy.

So you see people, words have power. Perception is a powerful thing, so instead of making humorous claims which can be deemed as part of a marketing strategy, some tend to make the types of claims which can lead one into some serious legal bullshit.


Words have power. All power should be respected. We take our job serious, but everything else is fair game. So now you know, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Remember, shop around, view your options and ask questions. Outlandish claims? We don't make them, really. We just get results.



Jenna Jameson photo used for educational purposes only. Drag queen used for illustrative purposes only. Anyone who gets a hard on from "Bruna" should go seek mental help.

In this section we will list the examples of things competitors do to make themselves look better.

Example #3 Don't

 Ask, Don't tell.

The ignorant mindset: Full disclosure may mean loss of business.

The don't ask don't tell mentality is a pretty shitty one to begin with. It implies that certain things must be avoided at all costs, for to touch on them would open up all kinds of Pandora's boxes. In business this happens all the time. Consumers aren't told about certain things.


 Like... donuts attract aphids (actually, donuts get covered with them. Happy eating!) and thats why you shake the rack before you pick them. Don't take my word for it. Go find out.

Like... porn stars: they practice smiling and flirtatious winks in between kegel exercises. (It's a job to them, you perverted bastard)

Like...car dealers, knowing damn well most loans will be defaulted on due to high interests, they don't tell you because they want to close a sale, and when you need a car., you don't listen... usually.

Like...credit repair companies, who know their obligations for full disclosure and don't disclose because they think they'll lose business. Instead they side swipe it with all kinds of "bullshit".

"CROA? Look here, I'm a certified expert. Trust me, that CROA is optional bullshit."

Meet a certified expert. That little device inside the douchbags coat is a BIG business. However, it means dick. It's there to make all kinds of morons look like all kinds of intelligent. Don't believe me? Check out Operation Clean Sweep, and see how many certified experts were arrested by Federal marshals for fraud.

If you think we're lying, check out every Credit Repair operating a website and see if they list links for consumers to file claims with the CFPB & FTC. Check to make sure they list FCRA laws... we'll wait.

Full disclosure is CROA disclosure. It means you have to let your clients know that they can do the repairs themselves. You need to provide them with the laws, their rights, their choices.

How they do it is not an obligation, letting them know they can, is.


How can one do it? Read the laws, study them. Deal direct and have the patience to learn. That is it. We devised our method after years and now it's tried and tested. But when we started, we weren't lawyers. We were fed up, tired and had the time.

What we offer is a service. We file on our clients behalf. We petition on their behalf, and we get results on their behalf. That is it. I can change my own oil, I choose to pay the service.
I can go pick up a parcel, I choose to pay shipping. That's all we do, service. Service people. Do it yourself or pay a service. Assholes and ignorant business people will always fear losing business, I don't fear losing anything. It's a service industry for a reason. Still, these captains of industry go at it like you need a degree in finance. I bet they weren't expecting a company like ours. And as for FICO, anyone can figure out how it works, just look it up.

"FCRA? Never heard of it. But you came to the right place. Have I got a deal for you, pal!"

Shady is one thing, sleazy sons of bitches, that's another. Most companies use mediocre tactics to get you to forget the laws and not try on your own. But the truth is, you can take the time to do it yourself or pay someone to do it for you. If you want to go the self route, the rules are inside the CROA & FCRA.

Full disclosure means the CROA laws. If you didn't get your full rights you got shafted with a rhino dick. Luckily, you can report it at www.cfpb.gov

Our competitors (Not counting Lexington Law, Key Credit Repair and a handful of others) list this more or less. The rest, which is approximately 98% of the market, do not. And it's rather obvious. They don't want to lose potential clients or they don't know they have to. Bullshit people, bullshit. When in doubt look around, talk to people. Ask questions. It's not the most professional sounding person with the certifications they don't need, that gets you the results, it's the methodology and persistence that does. All rights must be listed. If you visit a company that doesn't list all your rights, go to another. If they don't offer complete disclosure for something so simple, what else won't they tell you?



Helpful note: we service 100 clients monthly on average. Results are approximately 78% successful across the board, and we do it in flip flops while smoking and drinking soda. (This is, Miami after all). It doesn't matter what school you went to, how many Roman numerals you have after your name or if you're a Virgo. What matters is transparency and results.

"Certified results, are yuge!"

Still, I'm sure some people like their bullshit, and this is our rights as Americans. That's why the BBB, D&B and the Democratic party exists. Nevertheless, it is my sincere desire that if I lose business, it's to somebody with better service and better results. I don't mind. At least you can say one company has the balls to say it like they see it. And to put the power of choice where it was always meant to be. In your hands.


Images are property of Shutterstock and other prospective owners. Fair use, for educational and informative purposes only. NACSO logo was not altered, had it been, it would actually look better than it does now. President Donald Trump didn't pose for the Kool-Aid parody. Nevertheless, I'm sure he'd agree his hair looks great.

In this section we will list the examples of things competitors do to make themselves look better.

Example #4 Toxic Referrals

Toxicity is no longer for our drinking water and foods, now it is even a source of income.

One perfect example of a toxic product being pushed by an unconscionable fool, is the Fingerhut Scheme. Here we examine this issue and those who drank the kool-aid.

Nothing says build your credit like draconian interests and an Elvis bedspread made in a Chinese sweat shop. Sound American? If you said yes, you're correct. It's Fingerhut.
Fingerhut has been lauded for years as the go to place to build credit. And this is absolutely, fabulously detailed, factual bullshit. Fingerhut is to finance what Wal-Mart is to class.

Fingerhut sells some really tacky shit at a price markup that would make greedy Wal-Mart executives cringe and Amazon executives start a petition. Mark it all the way up and then add interest, a low payment option and presto, we'll rebuild your credit. Only... Not so fast. Look at the interest part. Look closely. 26.15%. Take that in again. 26.15%
That's 26.15 percent of every dollar owed. Over a quarter of that dollar goes to interest.

Now, look at the fees for being late: $4.90 if you owe less than $50 & $14.90 if you owe more than $50. And a returned payment fee of $25.00 dollars. That's on top, of whatever you owe.

This folks is what good ol' boys used to call a pig fucking. But now, in our p.c. culture, we call high risk revolving accounts.

Righhhhht.

Lots of credit repair outfits push the Fingerhut scam. Probably because they get a cut of the proceeds. So while they toss everything in your file into the "error" pile, they have you making payments to Fingerhut at DRACONIAN interests to maintain the appearance of good credit.

One company that does this unabashedly is Clean Slate Credit Solutions out of New Jersey. I'm not making it up, it's all over the place with these guys. Anyway, Fingerhut is a company that sells those things one just has to have: Yosemite Sam mud flaps. American flags in neon, Elvis bedspreads and glitter Lava Lamps, among their treasured products...

"The Elvis bedspread... don't sleep like a king, sleep on one."

Elvis was the King, no doubt about it. Good looking, brave, a soldier, good son and lover of flamingo pink Cadillac's. This bedspread however, is something else. Not even someone as gaudy as Elvis was, would have approved of this. Nevertheless, I hear it sells extremely well. A Fingethut staple.


Shop there if you want but for fucks sake avoid their credit plan. You don't need it, after a month you'll wonder why you bought the bedspread and paid enough money in interest to feed the family whose little girl works at the sweatshop that made it in the first place.

Buy American. Support America.

The problem is that while many credit repair places promise big results, all they can do is try to loophole the law into removing everything under a petition used solely for legitimate errors, inaccuracies and fraud.


This is known as fraud by proxy. Fraud by proxy is a a very big deal. Not only is it illegal to convince your customers to claim fraud, but it's also illegal to use a bona fide law to erase factual debt. According to the law, ones file must be 100% correct. What these bozos do, is find one little error, a mispelled name for instance, and then dispute everything in a blanket claim under that file. Social security numbers, addresses, employers, loans, all of it.


They think this was pretty easy, but they didn't realize that Credit Reporting Agencies (also known as Credit Reporting Bureau's) flag repeated claims and investigate them ROUTINELY.


Anyone claiming blanket inaccuracies can expect the following:


A flagged file (file flagged as suspicious activity and forwarded to their internal investigations dept.)

A frozen access file (Credit bureau's will freeze activity on a file until you call them and verify who you are.)

Notification to the Social Security Administration, since it is they alone who issue social security numbers. (temporary or permanent)

Notification to the FTC on highly suspicious activity, who just so happen to find such claims intriguing.


Once it goes there, it ain't going to be pretty. Feel free to communicate your anxiety with little emojis that illustrate the journey...

Click this text to start editing. This simple title and text block is great for welcome or explanatory text. When writing, try to keep things down to a few lines at a time. Break up your content into different blocks to keep your page interesting.


"A friendly message for our toxic competitors: The party is fucking over."

No company can boost a score, raise points, or create credit. This is bullshit. So anyway, Fingerhut is garbage, and so is Clean Slate Credit Solutions. We got an emoji for them right here:

In this section we will list the examples of things competitors do to make themselves look better.

Example #5 Deception to create need

Renting tradelines to build credit... for a fee. Utter bullshit.

Renting tradelines for a fee. Not a new idea, but a pretty useless one.
Tradelines are credit lines. That's it. People with good credit (or companies) offer to piggyback you for a fee. Or, offer other unknown 'clients' accounts for a fee. Look, in the world of bullshit schemes, this one is soley intended to confuse and decieve.
Instead of paying a fee and also buying and paying at interest to raise a score, why not just get a secured card? This is how secured cards works in non bullshit English. Before you ask, everyone on the planet can get one.

1, your credit is bad either due to:

No credit history
Low credit history
Errors and inaccuracies
Debt and charge offs

2, You want to re-establish credit, but no one will give you an unsecured card, because they think you'll default (shaft them).

3, Enter the secured card. A credit card which is 'secured' by an amount of money (can be $50 to $200) and which has an annual fee (usually $49 dollars)

4, You make a one time deposit for the secured amount  (a bank account is needed. Have problems getting a bank account? Try GoBank, you don't need anything to qualify.) They usually deduct the annual fee from it in advancve, and you begin to build your credit with this card. Making payments on time, and preferably in full (see deadbeat article)

5, the company that issues the card reports to the bureau your activity and payments and you begin to build creditworthiness.

6, In time, the company will give you back your annual fee (some companies differ) and may increase your line.

That's how it works. It's always good to ask your bank if they carry secured cards. Most will, with no annual fee, so that's a good place to start. And you go upon your merry way.


However...

Lots of companies with vested interests want to push their products onto you. Some do it with upfront disclosure (Credit Karma, Credit Sesame) some do it with none, like tradeline renters.

Some "consumer advocacy" outfits get a cut every time you either access a bank application through their portal (click through) or every time you sign up through their portal (refferal). So many companies continually send you pre-approved spam ads, because while they don't have access to your file they do know you fall into a certain bracket. Bracket rating is probably as such:

• Don't need it, dont want it (avg. 750 to 800 FICO)
• Get the fuck out of here (avg. 680-720 FICO)
• I'm not so sure (avg. 620-680 FICO)
• Tempting... (avg. 590-610 FICO)
• Fuck yeah, dude (avg. 500-580 FICO)
• My credit is shit, I'm sure someone fucked up here (avg. 350-490 FICO)

Notice higher scoring people will ignore these ads, while lower scoring people will take it.

That's how it is. In this country a euphemistic culture has grown up to either target the baby boomers or the millenials. Im not sure which. So while society dumbs down, lingo ramps up.. It's all bullshit ok. The system is rigged, and the best we can do is navigate it.

So if you need credit, the secured card is the way to go. It will take about 1 year and if you make your payments on time and in full, the limit goes up an from there you move to better cards at lower interest rates. (Secured cards have rates between 9 and 15%, but nowhere near what a rented tradeline or Fingerhut will run you).

Remember check with your bank, they usually have cards that don't have annual fees if you have an account. It's their way of competing with the HUNDREDS of companies out there all profiting from credit rebuilding. And a dollar saved is a dollar more, for your friendly neighborhood strippers.

"Club etiquette rule #1: wear dark pants.

Tootsies Cabaret... ok, they call it this because, house of whores is just so... so... hard to fit into an advertising vehicle. But all B.S. aside, for a night of kicks, drinks and potential headaches with the significant other, nothing out classes Tootsies. (Ok, maybe Club Eleven does), but what the hell, dozens of beautiful... er, sort of passable girls, decent drink prices and enough hustle to impress visiting rubes. They even list on the NYSE. Go figure.

In this section we will list the examples of things competitors do to make themselves look better.

Example #6 The Big 3 as Corporate Gangsters

Experian, Equifax & TransUnion: Corporate Mafia & the offer you don't understand

Experian, Equifax and TransUnion. The big 3. The ones that control the information market. They collect data, they sell data, they rake in more money than the mafia, Colombian drug lords and all the bordellos in Vegas. They make money on you and me, and do it legally.


Information costs money. Good, bad, poor. It costs money and they make it. For years I looked at organized crime and at corporate U.S.A., and to tell the truth, they aren't all that dissimilar. So, naturally, I got an idea that could explain it in a relevant way.

Meet, the top 3: Experian (Big Paulie), Equifax (Jimmy "the Gent" ) and TransUnion (Henry "the rat" Hill). In real life these guys worked together for the same family and though independent, each of the big 3 work inside the analytics market. Hell they control it.

Meet the real Goodfellas

From left to right: TransUnion (Henry "the rat" Hill), Equifax (Jimmy "the gent" Burke) & Experian (Paul "big Paulie" Vario.)

So let's start with Big Paulie (Experian). The biggest motherfucker in the business. A true giant. Experian is the most prestigious, sought after and weighty word in data. These guys are used by national insurance companies, the government, corporate America and everything else in between. They charge the most for the privilege, and dominate the market not through advertising but through singleminded absorption. These guys are at the top. Big Paulie gave the go ahead on "things", but he stayed indoors and ate his fried pigs guts and drank his espresso.
Big Paulies don't really do much. Experian, doesn't have to. They know they are the biggest, and act accordingly.

Next up is Jimmy the Gent, (Equifax). Better known, feared and surprisingly easier to deal with. Not a giant but not a piker either. Equifax has what Experian lacks, it's thumb on America's heartbeat. (It could also be said in light of the infamous hack of 2017, that it has it's foot up our collective asses, but you know...) Equifax also sells data, it just isn't as strict and shitty as Experian is. Experian is the girlfriend or boyfriend who never forgets anything you did. Like that one time you stayed out late and passed out on the driveway, half in your car, with some hookers underwear around your neck and a bottle of wild turkey in your hand.


They won't remind you, but they file it away. Equifax doesn't. They'll eventually purge the file and move on. On this note, Equifax is clearly the better choice. They charge less and are more widely used nationally. Still, Jimmy has a funny way about him. He has a hair trigger that can and usually goes off and things go sideways. Jimmy doesn't stay in much, he's hands on. More modern and definitely Experians equal.

Now TransUnion. The runt of the litter. (Billion dollar runt), and the Henry Hill of the group. He isn't very bright. He isn't very tough and he isn't very known, but still, they let him into the social club TransUnion is a power, but just not a strong one. I often think they count it among the 3 because someone has to look weak. Not sure. Surprisingly easy to deal with so long as you don't deal with them online. Their website is a fucking disaster. I'm serious, it blows. Their customer service is pretty good, but mostly because they aren't really interested in leading anything. They like the perks of recognition but don't get their hands very dirty. Typical Henry Hill. And like rat boy, TransUnion lives off the American tit.

The top 3 have their hand in everything, and most of the time they get it right. But, when they get it wrong, you need to have a sit down to settle the dispute. Enter your Proxy Agent: Us

"No matter how they approach their services, Credit Repair Organizations are your Proxy Agent. In our case, we do things a little different."

Proxy agents. We work for you, don't shuffle our feet and get the results we guarantee or pay you your money back. Proxy agents engage each of the top 3 and work to either get errors out or files to represent actual records. That's all we do, but we do it every fucking day, all day.

Proxy Agents are agents who work on your behalf; "by proxy". I guess it sounds better than behalf agents...

Now we can't say we are a Tommy  to a T, Tommy was a homicidal maniac with the massive chip that was missing from his brain, resting on his shoulders. But the essence is true enough. Not as big or powerful as the big 3, The proxy agent is feared. Proxy agents don't make threats or extort money, they do however knit-pick every little fucking thing in a file.


Example: Let's go over it again, and wait, again. And wait, a-fucking-gain. Move it you fuckin' prick ya'.


Trust me, it's always better to have a Tommy on the inside pissing out, than on the outside pissing in. We go all out for our clients, and try to get that resolution.


Having been fucked with before with the legal speak and terminology these big 3 use, we know what it means and what it doesn't mean. Our service is direct and should be complete. And unlike the perception, we don't get paid unless we work. So we have to work and show results. That's it in a nut shell. Now, I'm going to go smoke a cigar and answer my hate mail. I always find it amusing to read what my competitors think of me, but not as much as what my clients do.

In this section we will list the examples of things competitors do to make themselves look better.

Example #7 Bank Terminology: Revolver Vs.Deadbeat

Are you a reliable revolver or a fucking deadbeat?

First of all, those terms at not what you think. They are banking terms, used in-house and once not known to the general public. Revolver is a negative thing, but it's what banks actually want from their clients. Deadbeat is a fantastic thing, but banks don't like dead beats at all.

There are a few more terms but they aren't as important as these two, because it is within these two categories that most people fall.


A revolver is bank speak for a credit card user who lives from the cards and makes either the minimum payment, or a bit above it. Revolvers use credit daily, for shopping, food, drinks, bills and hookers (threw that in to liven the mood up a bit). Anyway, whatever Revolvers use credit for, they usually overextend and make minimal payments to calm the monkey on their backs.


Banks love revolvers even though revolvers usually have scores that are rated "poor", "fair" and "needs work". This is done on purpose, as we shall soon see. So revolvers, revolve. They clank through the revolving door of credit and interest, and banks earn off of each transaction and each payment. Ergo, banks make millions upon millions of dollars off of their clients. The reason for the low scores is because FICO (Isaac and the boys) calculate the score on a proprietary system comprised of how much you earn, how much you use, how much you owe and how much you pay. Those numbers in their system, give them your score. And low scores are what banks want, because low scores incur higher risk, and higher risk is resolved through higher interest. And interest is what banks live from. They don't live from paltry checking accounts and goodwill. Get it?


The bigger the "risk" the more they charge in interest, and since you revolve (pay the minimum and continue to use the cards) the score never rises very much.


When revolvers begin to pay their debts in full, banks do the obvious thing;they increase your limit. And even of you don't need it, they know they'll get you to spend it soon enough. And the cycle begins again. Banks love revolvers. Love them. So this is why revolvers never see their scores rise much, never see the interest go down much. It's a system, devised by guys who a) Never got laid. b) Don't drink beer on Sundays or watch tv. c) Never smoked a joint and ate Twinkies and d) Never failed an advanced trigonometry test, even with no sleep and a broken pencil.


The system has been refined for about 60 years. They have it down to a science. Revolvers are essential to banks because they make money from debt

What a "revolver" looks like to a bank. This is what they want. A repeat customer they've got by the balls!

That to the right is a turnstile. Kind of fun to go through, but that's about it. To a bank, it's the sound of a cash register. Every time you go through it, the bell sounds and the drawer pops open. Revolvers simply revolve. Deadbeats... That's another kettle of fish.

Gordon "Deadbeat" Gekko: bankers hated him, because they never got to make him their bitch.

It doesn't matter if your name sounds eerily similar to a salamander's cousin, or if you are working class or upper strata millionaire. The point of being a deadbeat is to use a bank but not allow them to profit from you. Gordon's money was liquid, but even if yours isn't, you too can be a deadbeat.

Deadbeats are to banks what kryptonite is to Superman. Still, you don't have to be a millionaire to make a bank your bitch, you just need a little education on the matter.

Now onto the deadbeat. No, not that guy who doesn't take care of his kids. The other deadbeat. The good deadbeat. Deadbeats are people who use their cards but pay them off in full at the end of the month. Deadbeats are the ones with usually high credit scores and favorable interest rates. This is also intentional. Deadbeats are smart consumers, revolvers are not.

Deadbeats are also despised by banks. Banks like to earn, that's why they give credit in the first place. To earn on interest. Interest accrues with debt. No debt, no interest. Hence, no profit.


Deadbeats beat the bank to death. That's the origin of the word. So why do deadbeats get better scores and better rates? Because those scores are based in large part on debt vs. earnings.

What one owes and what one utilizes (uses) affects the overall score. So by a better score, and less risk, they get better rates of interest. It's a system people. Rigged, shady, unfair, illogical. Yes. But a system set in place and in fucking control.


Deadbeats are the winners, revolvers the losers, banks the champions. It can be changed of course. A little financial education helps, but it isn't mandatory. Just make your payments in full and on time. And watch those increases jump unbid. And if you don't take them up on the cards, no matter what they raise it to, then you get the other cards offered. AMEX, Discover, Diners Club, etc.

Bank's want you to spend. What the offers mean is:


Pretty please with sugar on top, can you spend our money and let us make you our bitch?


What you, as a wise consumer are to do is answer: Kiss both cheeks of my ass and call me big Rudy, and maybe I'll consider it.


Be in charge. Make that bank your bitch. Be a fucking deadbeat.

I promise advocacy and I fucking deliver it. Remember us, A Clean Slate Credit Consultants Corporation: An American Company with big shiny brass balls.

Why yes, they do clank when I walk.

Brass balls. Enough said.

In this section we will list the examples of things competitors do to make themselves look better.

Example #8 Plumdering those in need

Meet the Predator. Proof white men can jump dressed in fishnets and body armor.

This guy made his debut with two as yet to be U.S. Governors. He traversed space, hunted revolutionaries, took grisly trophies and self detonated. Kind of like Sadam Hussein without the self dotonate part. Anyway, this is a fictional species... we hope. This isn't as scary as the other kind which is all too real.

Predator Vs. Indian

I'm pretty sure I'm going to get a call about this one. But it must be said. Before we begin, I have nothing against native Americans. Let's get that one out there off the bat because I will state some pretty fucked up things in this article which are true, and which sadly, aren't reported as true. Ahh, fuck this explanation shit. I have lawyers for a reason.

Who doesn't remember Predator? It had Jesse Ventura before he was governor. It had Arnold Schwarzenegger before he was governor, and it had Larry Bird after he retired. (I know it was Peter Hall. Play along with me) It had an alien predator who came to hunt and skin people alive, and take skull trophies. Crazy shit. Like a serial killer from Zeta Reticuli, this fucker was mean. That predator we liked. He was cool, sort of. He could cloak himself before Harry Potter. He had a laser pointer before there were laser pointers. That predator was a good predator.

The ones in this article, ain't that hot. By predators I mean predatory lenders. Check Cashing stores, advanced check cashing stores, payday loans and other short term, high interest loans. A loan, like a credit line is loaned at interest. This is known. The interest charged by these places are approx: 300% to 490%
And that was pretty steep for a short term loan (2 week loan tops)
But now the Indians got in on it, but not at the above rates. Rather at 500-780% interest.

I'll play with this slinky while that sinks in.

Everybody loves a slinky. And now it comes in 14kt gold plate for gaudy guys like me.

While you ponder the nearly 800% interests rates, I'll slink this guy back and forth and wonder at the marvels of advertising...

Alright, I'm back

Still with me? You didn't read it wrong. 500-750% interest. Mafia loan sharks didn't even charge that much. No U.S. bank would dare. No credit card issuer would ever in their wettest Pamela Anderson-running-naked-tits-bouncing-with-a-credit-card-in-her-mouth-dream, would dare go there. It's fucking unheard of.


But the Indians did. And they figured out how not to lose. Indian tribes are not regulated by Federal Law. At all. They are wholly autonomous. They have their own councils, government, laws, structure, hierarchy, police and casinos. Sure they have a higher gambling, alcoholism and drug addiction ratio than non native Americans do, but so what? It's the cost of having lost a country to the evil white devil and living off of a system that pays you simply for being, well, Indian. Nose candy and Coors light? That's just the natural progression of things. Let's move on.

The Indian tribes all over the nation have gotten in on this action, big time. Casinos are great for profits but this is like gambling with souls, not just dreams. And their system doesn't fail. Because while they are not regulated by the Federal government, the government won't enforce a fucking thing they do against non Indians. One doesn't drive to an Indian reservation and get a loan. They just go online. That's right. Indians are online. And millions take loans from them and pay up out the ol' horn of plenty.


750% interest. Holy shit. So this is predatory lending at it's finest. And since only Indians can get away with it, they corner the market. And its a big fucking market. Faster than you can say The Pilgrims fucked us. These guys are hands deep in your pocket. So deep in fact they got you by The balls.


Now, one may think this is just Devine retribution, and that's ok. I don't blame them for wanting to avenge their peoples sufferings. That is legitimate. Fuck the land though, we ran it better (don't believe that, just visit a reservation and imagine all of America looking like an episode of the Beverly hillbillies with more Coors light and the natives running the joint like a crooked game of Yatzee).

This is a real predator. And unlike too tall up there, this guy doesn't come in angry and snarling. Instead it's marketing at it's friendliest.

Grin of a shark loan? Not as bad as this type of marketing. Friendly type, colors that have a soothing mental affect and harmless images. Yet this shark doesn't take a bite of your ass, it takes you whole.

We combat deceptive advertising all the time in our industry. But who regulates this kind of bullshit?

Pocahontas over there may not look scary, but I'd bet my Mezlan loafers she's more ruthless than Hillary Clinton on crack. That is advertising at its base lowest. It preys upon the incredible and the urgent necessity of the general public. Non indians have to toe the line. These guys don't even know what a line is.

And so...

Back to the loans. These Indians are the ultimate predators. They have begun to spring out of every place in the nation. Tribal nation of Tennessee, Nevada, the Carolina's, Florida, Utah, New Mexico. You fucking name it. Tax free to their toes, this money roars towards them.

And away from us, the decendants of the original people who raped their lands. (Ok, not the decendants, more like the immigrants who came here to bust ass and make a home, but that's just splitting hairs.) I wonder how they get away with it. And it doesn't matter, all that matters is that they shouldn't.

If you need a payday loan, or a check advance, go  non Native American. It isn't perfect but at least they won't

rape you, lay you out prone in the store, cut your pants with razor blades and pick your pockets clean.


Anyway, I said I'd put an article together and here it is. The only way to end predatory lending is to not borrow their money, which some tribes market as up to $10,000 dollars a day. (That's a lot of Keno) Please view the ad with the tacky Pocahontas looking woman stereotypically smiling as she gets ready to get over on the white folks (and the browns, yellows, blacks and reds as well).


The system in this country isn't perfect, I know. And we can't lay our troubles at the feet of our ersatz Indian brethren. But holy shit, can these red devils hustle a buck (yes, I know. That one right there is going to get me in deep shit.)


Hustle your rights back. Spend your money on American companies. They'll charge you, but they won't rape you. Not because they are against it, but because there are laws that protect you and me from it. Besides, if it's one thing we know for certain, all that land grabbing and raping is in the past. The Indians are safe. As for the Middle Easterners... well... we'll find out in about another 80 years.

In this section we will list the examples of things competitors do to make themselves look better.

Example #9 Complementary coffee is bullshit

Bricks Vs. Clouds

Ok, look. I get asked often enough why we don't have a physical office. I understand this better than most. People like the tangible. A magazine in our hands, the smell of newspaper ink, an actual face we can look at when we speak and a complimentary cup of coffee (preferably not fucking Sanka).

I understand. A brick and mortar is important for many people. But there are actual reasons why this isn't always a good thing. I'll give you a perfect example. In 2008 I founded an e-publishing company named Archer Communications Corp. (You can look it up on Sunbiz.org)
We printed online and held the patent on an innovative design that made a magazine a virtual reality experience. In setting up operations, I leased an office overlooking Brickell bay from the 11th floor of a beautiful blue glass tower, with more marble and granite inside than a sultans palace has whores. Security officers greated visitors in suits. Elevators were glass and brass and inlaid mahogany. The view was a fucking wow. Receptionists in Dior and a perfect 70° atmosphere.

The place had a huge office center, kitchen, WiFi bar (back when it was rare) and the place hummed. Guests would park underground, take a private elevator to the main lobby and transfer to a waiting car. The place didn't miss a beat. And it cost a fucking FORTUNE monthly. This was over and above operating costs, design costs, Web master outsourcing, coders, phone bills, etc.

The magazine was lauded a masterpiece by my colleagues, a work of design and elegance. And... it failed within 3 months flat. Took another 6 months to realize it, and yet another year to salvage what I could from it.

It failed not because it had no audience. It failed because I was foolish enough to believe I needed an office that grand. Or even one half as grand. I failed and watched it go down faster than the fucking titanic. And the best part was, no one even knew I was there at all.

It taught me a very powerful lesson. And that lesson is; Put money into the business, not the showroom. As a matter of fact, fuck the showroom. This, would apparently catch on.

A brick and mortar, whether like my mini palace in the sky, or a shop off an industrial park, costs money. Light, insurance, parking, materials, printing, etc. This is known as overhead. A virtual company doesn't need this at all. Bricks and mortars have to be maintained and those maintenance costs will come out of a clients pockets. No if' s about it. Mortar requires either enough capital to operate at a loss (in the red) or owning the building or space and not having to come up with a monthly payment plus all the rest.

If you don't have that kind of money, you will eventually shut down. This is dumb business. I was dumb. I admit it. Smart business is Virtual business. Cloud business. A website held securely on a cloud. No bricks, no mortar, no bullshit insurance, no utility bills, no overhead at all. Even complimentary coffee costs money, especially if it's one of those new age machines that takes a cartridge and squirts out a cup at a time. That shit is expensive.

Virtual companies slash pricing down to a termites dick, while brick and mortars have to maintain their pricing to survive at all. Virtual leverages the capital into product/service, while brick and mortar has to prioritize budgets. Virtual companies can create the storm, bricks and mortar can only try to weather them out.

I worked for Amazon.com, a true virtual company that has taken leverage to a while new dimension. Yes they own warehouse and fulfilment depots across America, but they are still a virtual company. As such, they have forced a nation of brick and mortars to their knees and into chapter 11. Why? Because they don't compete pricing, they create their own.

I can do the same, as a matter of fact, I have done the same. And when I hit the magic mark that takes me clear out of the red, I plan on imploding this market down to a nano byte. Bring down pricing across the board, force every competitor to their knees and either control 100% of the market or at least 75%. Sound crazy?

It isn't. Not really. People need a service

This little bad boy packs one hell of a punch. With the money you save with us, you can get your own.

I'm not a coffee fan. I drink tea like all proper British ladies. But this machine is a wonder. Since we don't offer anyone complementary coffee, it may be a good idea to use your savings with us, to get your very own. We recommend Amazon, but then, we are partial.

So yes, our head may be in the clouds, but our feet are firmly on the ground.

Any business that provides a viable in demand service at a truly competitive price is a winner. That is the very definition of the perfect storm.

Idiots don't see this. Idiots think respectability comes with complementary coffee (I should know, I've been a big fucking idiot before). It doesn't. Respectability comes with customer satisfaction. Repeat clientele and heartfelt referrals. I always knew it, Amazon instilled it in my soul.
I advise my competition to please continue to be idiots. Please, with sugar on top keep your prices high, make it easy for me.

When my clients ask (some do) I always smile and tell them, an office costs more, and my cost would be their cost. That's usually the end of the argument. I've been opperating for over 4 years, without once having to increase my costs and raise my pricing. My home is my office, complete with staff.

Image is nice, but an image I can live with is a guy with his word unbroken and his company ahead of the pack, no matter how unconventional it may seem.

Food for thought? Consumers have many choices, and of they want a mortar place that is their right. But it's also going to cost them more. Because overheard must be met. And someone always pays. As for the rest, if you want to pay less than you do a month for your way cool phone, to repair your credit files, then call us up.

We won't serve you Folgers, but with the money you save you can buy one of those machines and laser beam your coffee a la star trek.

Close
Shopping Cart
Your Cart is Empty