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Equifax's security breach climbs to 145 million +, Here's what you need to know.

In the parody game, anyone is fair game. This, however, is no laughing matter, and I should know, my information was compromised (euphemistic word for "stolen" in the biggest cyber shaft so far). Not only that, but multiple clients of ours, past and present, family, friends, contractors and even our mailman was affected. And this is only the beginning. The investigation is ongoing, and heads are rolling. For a company that handles information on 220 million Americans, 145 million is a BIG deal. This on top of the 55 million people that already have errors which are not theirs. It's a devastating blow for this corporate giant and for every person involved.

Among the information taken were names, social security numbers, addresses, financial information, banking and payment information, and dates of birth. Basically, all anyone would need to open multiple accounts in your name and go on wild shopping sprees from Qatar to Quebec, from New York to the Florida Keys. The effect of this, some experts say, will last between 10 and 20 years. And that's a conservative number.

Equifax has shut down its portal and put up a site that allows you to check your information to see if you were affected. All links and instructions are provided below.

Steps to take:

1. Click on the following link, or copy and paste into your browser:

2. When the page loads, scroll down to: Am I impacted? click on the link and type in your last name and the last 6 digits of your social security number. Click on "check" and keep your fingers crossed. (It occurred to me that the scammers who took the info could do the same thing, but Equifax secured the site... No really.

3. A pop-up page will tell you if you were impacted. If you were, you will be prompted to enroll in a free 1-year protection monitoring system. And once you're done enrolling, an email will be sent to you from

4. Proceed to set up a security lock on your file, then go drink a Bombay Sapphire martini (shaken, not stirred) with a skewered onion garnish. And sit back to wait.

 (Our clients can skip straight to step 4 since we already enrolled them all.

A massive tort lawsuit is no doubt on its way. I'm not interested in the 20 cents I'll get after 6 years of painfully drawn-out litigation and the divvying up process between 145 million claimants, but if you are, you can research the matter online or wait for the postcard invite titled "for all similarly situated" I don't know what's worse, getting screwed by a hacker squad or by the lawyers which will get rich off of this one.

Those who don't think it's important to do anything about this to safeguard their accounts can expect a few charges somewhere down the line for a Bentley rental 8 months overdue and a room service bill to the Paris Ritz, complete with room service, mini bar, and escort charges. If you are the type to wait, you can send an email to your friendly neighborhood hackers that caused this whole mess, at:

webroughtacorporategiantt[email protected]

Don't say we didn't warn you.

Equifax, Facebook, Marriot, Capital One...

Data doesn't just come from the mega CRA's, a lot of it you, the consumer, puts out there voluntarily. Facebook posts of you flexing

 and sucking the gut in, isn't all the site lends itself to. It is an advertiser's wet dream and unlike most other types of sites, social media can boast of captive audiences. It also takes a lot of info to open and maintain an account with them. lots of stuff you do you sign away rights to in those service agreements no one in their right mind ever reads. So, forget suing them. Instead, consumers can be diligent and decide if they truly need to be poking long lost high school chums in exchange for all the data anyone could possibly ever want on you. that's a question for the bright minds at CERN, no doubt. In the mealtime, less bright minds can take the necessary steps to lock up their info tighter than a crab's ass. It won't be a cure all, but at least you'll be safe.

Why pay for credit monitoring if you were shafted in the breach?

Why would anyone in their right mind want to pay for a credit monitoring setup after Equifax dropped its pants to the hacker community and handed over a vat of Vaseline?! There is no need and Equifax (which can't be sued by congressional decree) went ahead and provided two sources of security: TrustedID and LockandAlert. We promoted both but LockandAlert is the better product.

It's owned by Equifax (insert anguished groan here) and is the official response to the breach, which is probably worded something like this:

The Department of Homeland Security warned us multiple times about our Apache software being outdated and crummy and we didn't listen, so naturally a squad of South American hackers breached us and syphoned data out over a period of approximately 2 months, and jeez who'd have thought... We tried our best to dodge the shit storm and sold tons of stock before telling anyone, but that's just coincidental. Anyway, a shit ton of angry people wanted to sue us, and golly it's not our fault you know. Congress played slap-the-hand-don't-do-it-again on us, and we got a new CEO. Naturally we rewarded ourselves with some nifty bonuses, because nothing says Board of Director confidence like sharing wealth, especially since we can't get sued for fucking you guys. Anyway, we feel sort of bad eating filet mignon and having a bevy of euro call girls lick caviar off our nuts on our yachts and such, so we devised a totally free locking system and credit monitoring system, so you can't say we don't care about the American people. Thanks.

Okay... maybe it didn't read like this, but it fucking could have.

So now that your info is in some dude's hands, the thing to do is to sign up for FREE and lock your files. You'll have to unlock them every time you go and apply for anything that requires a credit check, but that's the way it is. Don't worry, I could say you'll have to do it for eternity, but that's not true. We'll all be dead at some point. So, in essence, there is a silver lining.

This product is owned by Experian and offers pretty much the same thing, a lock on the file and alerts to any changes. So far, it's free.


Experian's take on extended monitoring

This product is owned by Equifax, yes, the same company that got shafted and shafted you. It's actually easy to use and also free.

Lock & Alert

Equifax's take on extended monitoring

Your own method would probably work as well, whenever possible try to go free. Save your $ for pizza, dude.

Other Ideas?

When possible go free, beer & pizza cost money

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IDnotify is a registered TM of Experian. Lock&Alert is a registered TM of Equifax. Above information used for educational and/or informative purposes only.